Dealing with Loss

I have dealt with infertility. I have dealt with loss in a miscarriage with our first pregnancy, but the raw emotions and pain came flooding back this March when we were unexpectedly expecting our 4th child and then found out our baby had passed away. I was roughly 15 weeks along and our sweet child stopped living and growing between 11-12 weeks. We unfortunately made the mistake of taking our kiddos to see the baby on the screen. Let's just say things were really rough the moment I knew that baby's heart was not going to be found. It was a blur of emotions and  feelings of darkness and loss. It was truly difficult that I had to wait two days to get a D&C knowing that baby no longer lived and moved inside me, and yet I still felt constant nausea, had severe insomnia and other symptoms. All that passed through my mind was seeing that perfect little baby with hands and feet and a round head and no heart beat. 

When surgery day came my main goal: to get it over with. 

As the days passed it was a dark time. There were so many kind people who reached out with kind words, meals, and service. It was great and humbling to see people rally around me as I ached and longed for the loss of my child.

I felt empty for a long time. To be honest I think I still do. I also miscarried again in June. I felt a little more numb this time. There are so many emotions with loss and miscarriage. I think it's ok to feel any and all. 

I can still take a look at my very blessed life. I have 3 

Handsome and healthy boys. I have an incredible husband. 

But today I sit here and write this with tears welling up in my eyes. I finished my last panel of HCG testing to find out that I will again be miscarrying. This is 3 miscarriages in 5 months. Yes, this means as I write this I am pregnant ,but know that I will lose this baby again. So.. for a season I will rest and wait. Im out of options for now. I'm also out of energy and tears. 

Infertility and child loss just takes it out of you I suppose.