Morgan Charity’s Birth Story

A few weeks before Morgan’s induction date my very loved and AMAZING OBGYN passed away. I was devastated. Doctor Terry was there with Greg and I for the very lows, and the very high moments of our life. He has seen us through our infertility and the multiple losses. He was truly a man of compassion, love, wit, and fun. He made a really uncomfortable situation somehow not seem so uncomfortable. He delivered me as a baby and also helped bring all 3 of our boys safely into this world. I cried for the weeks leading up to Morgan’s birth date. However, he did haven an amazing practice and we were able to have Doctor Kaelberer step in at the very end and keep everything as planned for our induction date. (Side note: Doctor terry was scheduled to be on call the night. Wrote our morning induction but was kind enough to stay an extra amount of time so he could perform my c-section because that is the doctor he was.)

As moms of C-Section babies know,  one of the very few perks is scheduling the day your baby will arrive. May 21st was the date for our little girl. It seemed to take forever to get here but before we knew it Greg and I were packing up, dropping our 3 boys off to Grandma’s house the night before, and driving to the hospital in the early light of morning to get ready to meet our little princess.
I braced myself as we walked into labor and delivery for the last time. I was hooked up to an IV and answered all the million questions the nurse had for me. New to me this time was a tube top cover that I placed around my chest before placing the hospital gown on. We sat around for a bit just soaking in the moments until the wheeled us back to the operating room.
The spinal block epdieral was placed and shortly after the doctors began the procedure. After waiting behind the curtain laying flat on the table for what always seems forever the doctors announced that she almost here. They proceeded to break my water at which they were all very surprised at how much water was in there. This girl had a nice hot tub for her whole 9 month stay in my tummy. I’m thankful for that because I also lost a lot less blood this time around. Then I hear them announce that she has hair and I was in disbelief. I figured she would be bald like the last 2 boys were and because I was bald as a baby too. Once they were about to pull her out completely they dropped the entire drape and I was able to see her delivered and they placed her on my tummy to rub her and then Doctor Kaelberer held her up and let me soak in every inch of her. This was HUGE for me. I have never been able to look at my baby up close until after they have been checked out by the NICU team. And guess what?? She was AMAZINGLY beautiful. They then proceeded to take her to the side to get auctioned and weighed and etc. Even better, this time the anesthesiologist dropped the drape again to the side so I could see all of this process happening while they were stitching me back up. And for my FAVORITE PART!! I got to hold my baby first!! I have never held my babies first. Greg has always been able to hold them first, but this time after checking her out they brought her over to me and placed her naked little warm body right on my chest for me inside the tube top to hold her in for safety since I was numb and strapped to the table and unable to hold her. Can I just tell you how incredibly wonderful and therapeutic  holding her and getting to do skin to skin right away with her was.. well it was Heaven. Sweet little Morgan snuggled on my chest sucked and slobbered all Over my chest and cried until I was wheeled into recovery and able to nurse her. She then proceeded to nurse for probably a straight hour after. Just like her big brother Landon. They come out knowing what they want.. FOOD!! Totally my kids!
Everything from there was smoother sailing. No hemorrhaging, no nausea, and we were able to do fresh 48 pictures just 6 ish hours after she was born as a family. It couldn’t have been more perfect.
She couldn’t be more perfect!

The Monster is Dead

It weird how the moment you find out the monster is dead; the one who robbed you of your innocence as a child, that your heart is conflicted. A few days ago, that figure passed away and now my heart aches with sadness in a different way. He was a person before the abuse, he was a person during the abuse, and he was still a person while serving his sentence in prison. However, he was a person with self serving behavior who took and used his agency, the power to act for oneself, for personal gratification with destructive results on innocent children.

He deserved every day in prison and he deserved to die there, and yet I still pity him. His life on earth is over and he WILL finally have to own up to all his horrible and selfish decisions that he made. He denied (most things) until his grave ,and now he will have no choice but to accept that he was ridiculously selfish, and that his actions harmed so many. 

So why?? Why did the moment I heard that his life had ended did I even feel remorse for this man, who had ruined so much in my life? Who had taken so much from me? I guess when I take a step back after a few days have passed ,that it was mostly because he lived so many years with the capabilities and capacities to finally come fully clean, and he chose not do it. He denied ,and self righteously assumed himself worthy of meeting his maker.

I got my justice on earth the minute that man was sentenced and sent to prison. However, justice still can't undo his actions. Justice can't replace those countless haunted memories from my youth. And worse... with him dying nothing changes for me. I'm the same. My life has still been affected, but the best realization I have come to, is that this monster can never fulfill the justice truly because he took something I can't get back, and yet I CAN and have been made whole time and time again by the grace of God and my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm not defined by the horrors that took place. I feel free from the pain that wrecked havoc on my self esteem and family all those years ago. No I'm not free because he is dead. I'm free because my Savior has made me whole. In Him I have found my worth and my value. 

 I'm free because I can wash my hands and know that God will hold him accountable. I'm free because I'll never have to stare down a board of pardons and tell them my story about why this monster can't be free. Today I'm free and the monster is dead. 

Dealing with Loss

I have dealt with infertility. I have dealt with loss in a miscarriage with our first pregnancy, but the raw emotions and pain came flooding back this March when we were unexpectedly expecting our 4th child and then found out our baby had passed away. I was roughly 15 weeks along and our sweet child stopped living and growing between 11-12 weeks. We unfortunately made the mistake of taking our kiddos to see the baby on the screen. Let's just say things were really rough the moment I knew that baby's heart was not going to be found. It was a blur of emotions and  feelings of darkness and loss. It was truly difficult that I had to wait two days to get a D&C knowing that baby no longer lived and moved inside me, and yet I still felt constant nausea, had severe insomnia and other symptoms. All that passed through my mind was seeing that perfect little baby with hands and feet and a round head and no heart beat. 

When surgery day came my main goal: to get it over with. 

As the days passed it was a dark time. There were so many kind people who reached out with kind words, meals, and service. It was great and humbling to see people rally around me as I ached and longed for the loss of my child.

I felt empty for a long time. To be honest I think I still do. I also miscarried again in June. I felt a little more numb this time. There are so many emotions with loss and miscarriage. I think it's ok to feel any and all. 

I can still take a look at my very blessed life. I have 3 

Handsome and healthy boys. I have an incredible husband. 

But today I sit here and write this with tears welling up in my eyes. I finished my last panel of HCG testing to find out that I will again be miscarrying. This is 3 miscarriages in 5 months. Yes, this means as I write this I am pregnant ,but know that I will lose this baby again. So.. for a season I will rest and wait. Im out of options for now. I'm also out of energy and tears. 

Infertility and child loss just takes it out of you I suppose. 

Hello World

Our sweet 3rd son entered the world and and our family on December 18th at 5:31PM. He is perfect. 10 tiny toed and 10 tiny fingers. Lots of chub and is very very loved. 

This was the first picture we got of him. The first pictures are never as good and they change so much in the first 24hrs too. But I still think his first photo wrapped up is adorable. 

This one was snapped right as we got back into the room after my C-section.

This is daddy with him right as we got up to postpartum 

The delivery went very smooth considering it was a cesarean. We were super thankful that the labor and delivery wasn't running late so we got to go back right on time. (Having the 5pm induction is the pits) not getting to eat or drink is super hard and to top that off its a lot f anticipation to wait around for all day.

He was here by 5:31 and there was no complications. 

I was surprised he was as big as he was. He weighed in at 8lbs 11oz and was 21" long. He cried the entire time I was getting stitched up but it was so special how he stopped for a second when G held him to my face so I could kiss him. He didn't stop fussing until he nursed and he then nursed the entire hour while I was in recovery waiting to go up to postpartum. (I'm very thankful to have great eaters)

The hospital was very special and he snuggled on my chest every night. I'm anti nursery so he stayed with me at all times and he was an angel. 

Let's just say his brothers adored him! They fought a lot over who got to hold him. It was so precious too see their instant love for him. 

We are so blessed. 

And here are a few pics:

We were lucky to be in the hospital around Christmas and got a cute beanie.

My sister is Home!!

Auntie Steph came home!! 18 months felt like forever but also went so quickly. So glad to have her back from Uruguay! 

Right before we left to the airport to pick her up I had the boys hold up the sign we made for her.

Everyone was waiting patiently...

Not the best pic but she's at the top of the escalator.. So exciting!!!

All the girls together again!! Love my sisters 

We spent all day with her! We went to lunch, chilled at a park with the kids in the fabulous weather, then played games until late hours. It was just so good to have her back.. It is so good to have her home!!

Halloween 2015

This year we had H & D dress up as Iron Man and Captain America. H has been obsessed with the Avengers so we went with this theme because the costumes can also be used as dress ups. 

They both looked adorable I would say :)

G put on his old batman costume to match the boys super hero theme.

I'm super huge pregnant so I put on black and did my makeup to look dead and ratted my hair. Not much planning went into the costumes this year, but hey.. Being pregnant and taking care of kids is exhausting. So I think that's a good enough excuse to not have the top notch costumes. 

Besides..it's not too hard to look scary either. 

Daddy with his boys :)

We had the most fun carving pumpkins. My mom puts on a carving contest every year. I carved 3 pumkins (mine & boys) and G did his 1.  H enjoyed scribbling marker all over his more than the carving part. His pumpkin was covered in green washable marker before I washed it off to truly carve it. It was cute watching him scribble 

D's

H's

G's

Mine.

It was overall a happy Halloween!

G is a college graduate

I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to have my hubby around at nights again!! Greg has finally graduated and I couldn't be more proud of him. It was a lot of sacrifice on his behalf to make this happen. I think he lived off of 4-5 hours of sleep or less a night for over a year. During this time he still maintained working out, holding down his full time job/career and being the best daddy and husband as well. The boys has no idea he was even in school because he spent time with him from the moment he got home from work until bedtime. 

School has never been enjoyable or easy for G but he got it done so quickly and passed every class. He is such a hard and dedicated husband and father we are so truly blessed to call him ours. 

I also made him walk for his graduation so we could get a picture to document his big accomplishment and show the boys when they are older. 

My boys are too cute!!!

I sure lovey little family 

We are so proud of you sweetie! You did it!!!