The Monster is Dead

It weird how the moment you find out the monster is dead; the one who robbed you of your innocence as a child, that your heart is conflicted. A few days ago, that figure passed away and now my heart aches with sadness in a different way. He was a person before the abuse, he was a person during the abuse, and he was still a person while serving his sentence in prison. However, he was a person with self serving behavior who took and used his agency, the power to act for oneself, for personal gratification with destructive results on innocent children.

He deserved every day in prison and he deserved to die there, and yet I still pity him. His life on earth is over and he WILL finally have to own up to all his horrible and selfish decisions that he made. He denied (most things) until his grave ,and now he will have no choice but to accept that he was ridiculously selfish, and that his actions harmed so many. 

So why?? Why did the moment I heard that his life had ended did I even feel remorse for this man, who had ruined so much in my life? Who had taken so much from me? I guess when I take a step back after a few days have passed ,that it was mostly because he lived so many years with the capabilities and capacities to finally come fully clean, and he chose not do it. He denied ,and self righteously assumed himself worthy of meeting his maker.

I got my justice on earth the minute that man was sentenced and sent to prison. However, justice still can't undo his actions. Justice can't replace those countless haunted memories from my youth. And worse... with him dying nothing changes for me. I'm the same. My life has still been affected, but the best realization I have come to, is that this monster can never fulfill the justice truly because he took something I can't get back, and yet I CAN and have been made whole time and time again by the grace of God and my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm not defined by the horrors that took place. I feel free from the pain that wrecked havoc on my self esteem and family all those years ago. No I'm not free because he is dead. I'm free because my Savior has made me whole. In Him I have found my worth and my value. 

 I'm free because I can wash my hands and know that God will hold him accountable. I'm free because I'll never have to stare down a board of pardons and tell them my story about why this monster can't be free. Today I'm free and the monster is dead. 

Dealing with Loss

I have dealt with infertility. I have dealt with loss in a miscarriage with our first pregnancy, but the raw emotions and pain came flooding back this March when we were unexpectedly expecting our 4th child and then found out our baby had passed away. I was roughly 15 weeks along and our sweet child stopped living and growing between 11-12 weeks. We unfortunately made the mistake of taking our kiddos to see the baby on the screen. Let's just say things were really rough the moment I knew that baby's heart was not going to be found. It was a blur of emotions and  feelings of darkness and loss. It was truly difficult that I had to wait two days to get a D&C knowing that baby no longer lived and moved inside me, and yet I still felt constant nausea, had severe insomnia and other symptoms. All that passed through my mind was seeing that perfect little baby with hands and feet and a round head and no heart beat. 

When surgery day came my main goal: to get it over with. 

As the days passed it was a dark time. There were so many kind people who reached out with kind words, meals, and service. It was great and humbling to see people rally around me as I ached and longed for the loss of my child.

I felt empty for a long time. To be honest I think I still do. I also miscarried again in June. I felt a little more numb this time. There are so many emotions with loss and miscarriage. I think it's ok to feel any and all. 

I can still take a look at my very blessed life. I have 3 

Handsome and healthy boys. I have an incredible husband. 

But today I sit here and write this with tears welling up in my eyes. I finished my last panel of HCG testing to find out that I will again be miscarrying. This is 3 miscarriages in 5 months. Yes, this means as I write this I am pregnant ,but know that I will lose this baby again. So.. for a season I will rest and wait. Im out of options for now. I'm also out of energy and tears. 

Infertility and child loss just takes it out of you I suppose.